so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
