Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
