I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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