my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
