He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
