I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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