i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
