Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
