two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
