I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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