I just saw a hot homeless man
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
