Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
