sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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