the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
