i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
