i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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