I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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