Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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