Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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