Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
