I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
