So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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