we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
