Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
