She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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