I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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