Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
