I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
