I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
