just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
