Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
