I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
