it was like his penis was on wheels.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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