please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
