My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
