I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
