I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
