just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
