i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
