I'm laying in your front yard are you home
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
