My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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