As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
