My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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