My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
