You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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