I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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