please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize