God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
