My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm always down for nudity.
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