Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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