I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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