I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
